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I’m getting off of the Struggle Bus.

struggle bus

If there is one thing I’ve learned since launching Planet Green Socks at the end of last year, it’s this: SHIT IS ALWAYS CHANGING. In business and in life – the only constant is change.

I’ve shared a bunch of the insights and happenings since we clicked “publish” on December 29, but there has been some stuff I’ve left out as well.

In the interest of time, I’ll recap what’s happened since then, in a bulleted list for your reading pleasure:

  • We successfully executed three events, all of which were a slot or two away from being completely sold out. Ego = fed. I can do this on my own. People are having a fucking blast.
  • I signed up for Boss School with PGS as a functioning (haha) company, with a plan, money coming in, but in desperate need of help on how to do shit the right way
  • What I got instead, was the first five weeks of Boss School completely mindfucking me, making me realize that there is a LOT of stuff I want to do on this planet, and not a whole lot of it has anything to do with skydiving events
  • After the last event we did on the road, I realized I don’t really like the idea of traveling all over without Barry and/or the dogs – thus negating my original plan of taking these events all around the country
  • I sat down with some of the gals in Boss School and did the math on how much work I was doing, how much time I was spending, and realized that I was averaging about $5/hour per event. That’s fucking stupid.
  • CUE MAJOR MELTDOWN
  • I purposely didn’t schedule any events after Adam’s memorial. I wanted to see how I felt, where my head was at, and really give myself some time to reflect on whether or not I wanted to keep this shit going. I knew I needed space to feel this out and sort through it, so I stopped my progress with Boss School. After all, if I didn’t even know if skydiving events were what I wanted to do, there’s no point in taking PGS as it exists through the program. Total pause on anything professionally-driven.
  • The week before Adam’s memorial, Jim died. Minutes after we released Adam’s ashes into the sky, we got word about Graham. Six days after Adam’s memorial, Tom died. HOW AM I STILL BREATHING? IS THIS REAL LIFE? WHEN DO I WAKE UP FROM THIS SHITSHOW?
  • CUE MAJOR MELTDOWN: Showering regularly is an issue. Brushing my teeth regularly is an issue. I’m a fucking zombie, and I’m pretty much giving everyone the cold shoulder except for Barry, the dogs, my family, and one or two close friends. I am completely stuck with what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. All I can think about, for about three weeks, is “is this the last day I am on this planet? What if something happens to Barry?”
  • New mission: do all the cool shit with Barry all the time because this could literally all be over tomorrow. I want to get fired up, do awesome work, travel the world, hike the PCT, eat all the food, drink all the drinks, EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING.
  • June 13-14: I volunteered at Live Bigz at Oceanside, and spent some quality time connecting souls with Alana. I see a tiny pinhole of light at the end of this godforsaken tunnel I’ve been in. Alana is an actual angel walking the same ground we walk on. This is a fact.
  • PANIC ATTACK: It’s been a hot minute since I did anything that wasn’t for free, apply for a “real job” at Stone Brewing Company.
  • A week ago, I woke up and actually felt like shit was possible. And I maximized those hours. I listened to a webinar from a woman I wildly admire. I called a couple prospects for consulting work. Caught up with an old friend and threw some stuff out there about how to dominate the world. I got a rejection email from Stone and was literally DANCING in the living room about not getting it, because I know that’s not what I want, but was scared about the idea of not wanting that. Last Thursday is what made me realize that the last 6-8 weeks had been a total blur of fatigue, not feeling human, and being really, really, really sad. I didn’t even recognize I was like that until I wasn’t. Scary shit.
  • Last Friday: Address the fact that I’ve been giving people the cold shoulder. Explain why. Make amends. Hug it out. Get excited for the weekend.
  • I have an awesome weekend at the DZ. Not working. Not jumping. I haven’t done that since my first summer at CSC – I’ve been working in the sport since I had 75 jumps. For the first time in almost five years, I was there with no real agenda except to fire up the grill on Saturday and feed people after the Poker Run festivities. Lots of food. Lots of rum. HOLY CRAP THIS IS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE SOCIAL. WHOOOOOA.
  • Monday: Spend some quality time with a good friend of mine, running errands, catching up, handling shit. For the past six months, with the exception of random office hours, event weekends, and picking up Barry at the DZ, I’ve pretty much been at home, by myself, reading, writing, crying, screaming, and doing all the grieving that I distracted myself from in 2014. Went out for a bit in the afternoon trying to keep the social activity up from the weekend, but started feeling weird/exhausted/overwhelmed, so we came back home. Hibernation mode: engaged. Back in the hole I go.
  • Tuesday: still in the hole. Talk to mom for an hour and a half about the hole and how it sucks and cry on Facetime. Wish I was home for mom snuggles (yes, I’m 30 and mom snuggles are still a thing). Get the low down from Mom about what I should do with my life – not specific instructions, but recommendations, reminders of what I’m good at and how those things can help people.
  • Yesterday: Pop out of the hole for a vet visit for Jezebel. She needs knee surgery. Authorize surgery estimate – freak out. I went out and made it home and I’m still breathing, so let’s get ballsy. Hop on a Boss School mentor call. It’s about money, and banks, and getting outside financing for a business. The list of qualifications for a business loan is a sweet reminder of the financial hiccups I’ve had (THANK YOU STUDENT LOANS), and back in the hole I go.
  • Yesterday, 8:00 PM. Talk with two gals from Boss School. Realize I’m not alone. Talk about where I’m at. Further confirmation I’m not alone. Dream about what I actually want to do outside of the skydiving industry/marketing world and why I’m scared to do it. Feel optimistically scatterbrained. Life is good.
  • Today: Wake up. TODAY IS GOING TO BE AN AWESOME DAY BECAUSE I’M ACTUALLY GOING TO DO SHIT.

And here we are. I’ve been sitting on an idea for Planet Green Socks, but I was scared. I didn’t want to be seen. I didn’t want to put a ton of effort into something only for the chance to be ridiculed. Laughed at. Talked about.

This morning, I woke up and said fuck it. I won’t know unless I try. And what if this idea actually helps people? What if they’re not ridiculing, laughing, or talking shit? Gotta put it out there. Be vulnerable. See what happens.

On Monday, I’m launching the next chapter for what I’m doing with Planet Green Socks as it pertains to skydiving events. We’ll talk more about that on Monday, but the fact that I’ve been up to my eyeballs in website edits for the last four hours makes me feel like I’m actually doing something. And that feels nice.

makingchanges

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • David Williams

    It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

    ~Theodore Roosevelt

  • Lisa

    I love that Mom snuggles are still a thing. And I love you. 🙂

  • Collin Frederick

    I hope Jezebel is OK!

  • Collin Frederick

    also…I read this via LinkedIn because that is how professional people pretend to be busy at work…and I am a fucking pro at that shit.

  • I love, love, love this quote. I’m going through Brene Brown’s Power of Vulnerabilty course on Udemy.com and she references this quote in all of her talks and in her book, Daring Greatly. Not surprisingly, this came up on Wednesday and I was like, DAMNIT BRENE IS ALWAYS RIGHT. I love that this is your comment, Dave. Hugs to you and Marta, and thank you for being here!

  • #legit. For realsies. We thought Jezebel’s basketball career is over, but the doc said she’ll be back to 98% within a few months. Gotta keep those expectations managed – couldn’t say 100. 🙂 Thanks for being here!

  • They’re most certainly a thing. Currently a long-distance thing, but I’m devising a plan to visit like ALL THE TIME. I love you! Thank you!