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My Physical Reaction to Visibility

What I thought was the flu yesterday (headache, achy body, elephant sitting on chest, eventually getting preeeeetty barfy) was more than likely a direct reaction to how far out of my comfort zone I went yesterday.

And I think this is important to speak about, because my BEST FRIEND, a girl who knows me better than I know myself sometimes, assumed I was good yesterday because “I looked so confident on the video.”

Truth is, I was a barrel of nerves. Before recording, while recording (where do I look? I look up a lot!), while editing (battling my inner critic who would very much like for me to do things differently with my face on camera) and of course, after posting it.

Yesterday I woke up with a pounding headache, tightness in my chest (that kind that could turn into a full blown panic attack at any time), and an uneasy stomach.

I got the videos posted and everything finalized, started my work day, got through my meetings, and took the rest of the day to tend to my health.

Today I feel like a million bucks.

But yesterday was one big panic attack after I signed off at work. It was like my reaction to the guy in Orlando, on steroids. Silent screaming (like lions breath if you practice yoga), fetal position, raging headache, hysterical sobbing, and for what?

Because I put a video on the internet?

I assumed something was wrong with me. I never get headaches so naturally I assume brain cancer because that’s what my uncle had and I followed along as a friends wife was diagnosed and fought brain cancer for almost two years.

Then I had a meltdown about my legacy. What am I actually leaving behind? Anything? I’ve got great stories, but substance? Something worth remembering?

I finally decided to take a second shower after I threw up everything and then some.

Cold water pouring over my shaking, sobbing body at first. Then hot. Wondering why I’m crying (PMS, vulnerability hangover, irrational thoughts about what kind of disease I probably definitely don’t have, etc). Then Barry cracked the door and asked if I would like some aromatherapy.

I melted. And then suddenly, I wasn’t spiraling anymore.

I thought to myself “What would Kelly Clarkson do?” as she’s been my “if I’m ever famous” inspiration for how to handle the spotlight.

And suddenly, I was thinking about how I would pitch Kelly to be on the show with Jess and I, and how that show would be insane and then I wasn’t wondering why I was crying, because I wasn’t crying anymore.

It may have been a flu of some sort. There is something going around.

It also could have been a very physical reaction to launching myself out of my comfort zone.

But I can tell you this much, yesterday, with every notification, I was just SURE OF IT that it would be someone coming to shit on our parade. Or some troll telling us to kick rocks (of course it would be way more graphic than that).

Instead, it was love. Excitement for what’s ahead. Messages about how this is a perfect fit for me and Jess.

My mantra during my full moon paddle ritual was “I’m ready to rise.”

Ready to rise to meet my full potential. Ready to grow. Ready to see what happens on the other side of my biggest fear, and biggest desire.

Yesterday felt like an exorcism, for lack of a better word. And old versions of me are not demons, but there is definitely some shit that is no longer serving me, and I think I released all of it yesterday.

So, for those of you putting yourselves out there on the regular, am I the only one barfing after doing the same? How do you work through that? Does it ever go away?

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