Tonight I have a pre-production meeting with the team who will be following me around for the next 72 hours. I have mixed emotions.
On one hand, this feels like this could be the beginning of something entirely new for me. The majority of the energy I’m feeling is excitement. There is this world of unlimited potential and possibilities, and it’s been fun to imagine what could come next after something like this.
On the other hand, this feels so fucking unfamiliar it’s taking everything I have to not fake an injury or illness to get me back in my comfort zone: on the other side of the camera, with a clipboard, running shit, the otherwise unseen glue that holds the team together and helps makes the show happen.
And then “up to 2014” version of Sydney (the girl and woman I was up until December 31, 2014) starts whispering in my ear with her old negative self-talk:
“Why would they pick you? This is probably a joke.”
“You better practice sitting down and sucking in, fatty.”
“Who do you think you are? Millions of Americans have diabetes, why you? You’re a nobody.”
It’s exhausting to keep old me in check. But I can tell you one thing: I am completely serious when I say that diabetes is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Saying yes to myself every day September 21 has radically changed how I look at all aspects of my life.
Giving myself permission to take care of myself has changed the way I think.
Choosing to be in control of this disease instead of letting it control me has changed the way I live. And it is a choice, with everything I eat or drink, with every step I take, with every situation that could contribute to my stress (and thus elevate my blood sugar), with every pill I take.
I did a podcast interview with my friend Tim the other day (coming soon!) and in it, I referenced Bill Hicks.
He says in a bit that this life is just a ride. He goes on to talk about the choices we have:
“But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love.”
So to get over my fears surrounding this weekend, I choose to frame this weekend in love.
Loving myself got me here, and loving myself will get me through it.
(And thanks in advance to my super rad husband for supporting me through this weekend when this little socially boisterous introvert needs to recharge! Wooooooo lord I need a quiet corner, some tea, and a Kesha dance party to keep the vibes up!)