Since my friend Adam died, the part about how he just randomly felt called to go home before his BASE trip has been lingering and it has been killing me for almost four years.
Because every time I feel called to reach out to folks I haven’t spoken to in a bit, every time I go on a big adventure, every time I go home I wonder, “oh shit, does that mean I’m on my way out?”
This trip has been one hell of a healing journey from the night before I left for Orlando two weeks ago and having long chats with Barry about our next chapter, the plane ride from San Diego to Orlando, dumping the first 20 pages about my rape, to going home and fitting into my high school cheerleading uniform after a lifetime of body image issues, to an incredible trip so far with my dad, to right now, in this moment. The healing has been coming rapidly.
This morning, as I was recording a voice memo for Adam’s mom, saying I wish he was coming with me, I mentioned how that part of Adam’s story had affected me, leading to these wild assumptions that every adventure will lead to death.
As soon as I got done recording it, the message came through loud and clear: “The lesson here is not that you should be afraid when you feel called to reach out. Instead, when you feel called to do that, it’s me encouraging you. You do this naturally and I didn’t get to do it enough, so now you get to tell everyone how much you love them for the rest of your life.” Deal, man. I got this.
Now, if you need me, I’ll be #hikingmyfeelings up the western side of a fjord here in Tromso.
In this moment, I am the happiest, healthiest, and most grounded I’ve ever been. Everything in my life right now is absolutely perfect, and I anticipate this hike will be as well.
BRB I’M GONNA GO HAVE THE HIKE OF MY LIFE!