If you need support, the folks at RAINN are standing by, and I am pulling together a list of resources around other organizations and individuals who are committed to supporting survivors.
If you’re questioning whether or not that thing that happened to you was assault, you’re not alone. This happened last year with #metoo and it’s happening again now. As more survivors find the strength to stand up and share the story of the violence perpetrated against their bodies, more of us are seeing our stories in theirs.
This period of reckoning can be confusing. It was for me.
For 12+ years, I talked myself out of it. I was ashamed that it happened, embarrassed that it happened to me, and all I wanted after it happened was to escape. I didn’t call the police. I didn’t go to the hospital. I didn’t tell anyone until I told my husband last year.
I told myself that because I didn’t fight back, I must have wanted it. I didn’t fight back because I didn’t know how. I had to choose: if I fight back, he might kill me. If I pretend to be sleeping, I might survive. I pretended to sleep.
I told myself that maybe my NO wasn’t firm enough the night before. Or maybe consent (or the lack thereof) is an agreement that must be renewed at midnight. Maybe I just didn’t say no loud enough or firm enough or in the right way.
In this episode, I talk about how the trail helped me connect the dots around how surviving a sexual assault 12 years ago affected my life.
TW: I do not describe the assault in this episode, only how it affected my life.